[Previous entry: "Iran first or Mexico first? :-)"] [Next entry: "Is This a Conspiracy?"]

02/04/2005: "Iraq-cracy: 1-2-3"

So Iraqis have finally held their first big boy election. Congratulations. Seriously, I mean that. Now that they've entered the strange, new world of democracy, though, it's time they learn what this new world is full of (largely, that would be crap). Let's take a look at the fundamentals.

Free Speech. Free Speech is one of the most basic tenets of a functioning democracy. This is because the power to vote is sort of like the right to speak your mind (unless, of course, you're a woman in pre-Prohibition America -- in which case, shhh). As long as you say the things people want to hear, you're free to say whatever you want. That's the beauty of democracy. It's quite refreshing. And I wasn't even paid to say that.

A Free Press. A free press is essential in a democracy… or so the networks would have us believe. Soon Iraq will have its very own Elite Media, as well as a rebellious brand of Shiite-Wing Radio. These institutions will track sandstorms, give reality TV updates, and protect the very establishment Iraqi voters just established. A free press means freedom from thought -- it really takes a load off! Iraqis can also look forward to "cable systems," which are systems of cables that run underground -- where the weapons are buried -- and serve to transport fresh new ideas and moving pictures of naked ladies on late night Cinemax. Unfortunately, some cable systems don't carry Aljazeera or the YES Network. These cable systems are tyrannies. In this case, get satellite. Now there's a free press worth paying a price in blood for.

Free Stuff. That's right. It's one of democracy's best kept secrets. By pulling the right democratic levers, citizens can vote for free stuff from the public treasury. "How much free stuff?" you ask. The rewards are practically limitless. Pothole need a-fixin'? No problem. Don't feel like paying for art supplies? Again, no problem! Here. Take the shirt off my back. I don't need it. I have other shirts at home.

Choice. Democracy's a lot like the menu at Wendy's. Or it's a lot like the menu at Burger King. You see, it's a matter of preference. Coke or Pepsi? Classic rock or grunge? Whatever you want, it's up to you. You can choose from a number of predetermined options. The choice is all yours. This also applies in politics: Democracy means you can choose your own leaders. So now, instead of just one crusty, old, out-of-touch bastard with sagging eyes and control issues, Iraqis can choose between several crusty, old, out-of-touch bastards with sagging eyes and control issues -- each ready, willing, and able to screw things up on the electorate's behalf.

Brand Name Get-Out-The-Vote Campaigns. "Choose or Lose." "Vote or Die." Soon Iraq will have its very own pro-voting crusades. These movements will feature celebrity figureheads, hip t-shirts, and manufactured hostility, and will serve to remind Iraqis to vote for their favorite crusty, old, out-of-touch bastard. Brand name get-out-the-vote campaigns will, of course, annoy the hell out of any Iraqi with two brain cells to rub together. But if nothing else, it's a change of pace. Now people will die if they don't vote. Neat.

Human Dignity. In a democracy, humans have something called human dignity. This is slightly different than actual dignity. Actual dignity would prohibit others from raiding your home or making you take your shoes off at the airport. Human dignity, on the other hand, means you're treated like a human as long as it's convenient for other humans. Another name for human dignity is "no dignity," which is not to be confused with the hit song, "No Diggity," by Blackstreet. No doubt.

Deliciously Democratic Scandals. In a democracy, elected officials routinely accept sexual favors from young girls. This keeps voters preoccupied while the nation falls back into tyranny. It also makes for great Late Show fun.

A Living Constitution. Democracies often hinge on a couple of rules written down on a piece of paper. This is called a constitution. Even though paper is made from dead trees, constitutions are thought to be alive and ever-changing. This ensures that future Iraqis will be able to distort the wants and needs of current Iraqis once current Iraqis are dead. It sounds quaint, I know, but it's really quite romantic.

And finally:

Invincibility. Democracy puts power in the hands of the people. This is especially helpful when you have a lot of people. A lot of people equals a lot of power. Democracy means never having to say you're sorry. Kill 'em all. Let God sort 'em out.

Well, there you have it: Democracy in a great, big, tax-funded nutshell. Always remember that the seeds of freedom will not grow without being nurtured. Never get democracy wet. Don't expose it to bright lights. And whatever you do, never feed democracy after midnight.